Yesterday I was treated to a procedure for which I didn't think I'd have the pleasure til AT LEAST 50. Interestingly, the majority of people in my sphere--real life and make believe--have already had the procedure, and what they say is true:
The Day Of is a walk in the park compared to The Day Before.
I'm pretty sure The Day Of would've been Dante's tenth circle of hell if he could've counted that high.
Let's recount The Day Before:
- If you're a coffee drinker who REQUIRES cream (<--me), you're out of luck.
- Mountain Dew does NOT "do" for me what coffee & cream does; it has neither the warmth, aroma or narcotic effect. I don't think I reached "human" status all day.
- Canned chicken broth? By itself?? Not so good.
- You CAN eat Jello, which I like.
- I was deeply distraught when I realized ALL THE JELLO FLAVORS I LIKE (Strawberry, Black Cherry, Cherry, Peach, Orange) have red dye. Red dye is a no-no the day before your procedure.
- Headache commences mid-morning and will not end until after your procedure. Stress? Hunger? Caffeine deprivation? Does it really matter why?
- Actually, the headache was probably prompted from the bizarro traffic snarl which held me captive TWO FREAKIN' HOURS after school drop-off. I seriously praised God for not already taking the "stuff" that was supposed to get "things started". Oh, dear...just the thought of THAT is enough to unravel me!
- When husband gets home from work, keeps offering to get me "something" that will make me feel better. "A cheeseburger? Fries? Ice Cream?"
- First time I recall ever losing my sense of humor. Now that, my friends, is a dark day.
- At 5:00 begin drinking the agent that will soon catapult digestive track into global anatomical war on a personal level (does that even make sense??).
- First 16 ounces, you think "I can do this...it's not so bad."
- Somewhere between 24-32 ounces, you wonder "When is it gonna hit?".
- It hits.
- Then, it pummels.
- It's daggum relentless.
- The last 16 ounces were the most difficult to swallow. By that point, I was green. And tired. And defeated. And felt like the Kool-aid guy with enough liquid sloshin' around inside to fill Hoover Dam...but the dam's getting ready to burst.
- There's a sense of victory...of accomplishment when I finished. Perhaps scaling Mt. Vesuvius? Or is that imitating Mt. Vesuvius?
- Sleep is pretty good; it made me forget both hunger and the procedure.
The Day Of
- Remarkably, not as hungry or irritable as the evening before. Still want to smack my hubby when he offers to get me a Hardee's biscuit.
- Considered snorting coffee or learning to drink it black before ultimately pouring it down the drain.
- Then I cried.
- Finally get checked into the med center and called back for my turn.
- Sweetest prep nurse EVAH, instantly put me at ease, which is saying a lot when you know THEY'RE GOING TO BE "ADVANCING" A GARDEN HOSE WHERE REALLYTRULY, THE SUN DON'T SHINE!
- It was slightly disturbing that I thought of Jack Nicholson in "Something's Gotta Give" when I put on my hospital gown. The upside? S u r e l y I pulled off the look better than him.
- And then they wheeled me into the procedure room, where Dr. M, nurses Marilyn and Jennifer...and OH-MY-WORD a made-for-TV anesthesiologist were waiting on me! OF COURSE, he was the first to speak, and he said "Hi, I'm
McDreamy McSteamyJason, I'll be taking care of you..." and I wanted to crawl under the hospital bed. He was much too young and much too perky--and too in perfect keeping with Gray's Anatomy--to be taking care of ME!
- Jennifer said, "Wow, is your blood pressure always low?" and I said, "Yes"; when Jason commented (to her), "It doesn't go lower than that," I asked, "Are y'all still talkin' about my blood pressure?" and they said yes, and I asked how low it was, and when they said "90/38" I was certain it was because I was about to die from embarrassment. Jason fixed me up with a shot of fluids...what a thoughtful guy.
- About this time, Marilyn popped a bite guard in my mouth, Jennifer asked me to roll to my side and I wondered when things would get started.
- Right after that, Nikki (who's Nikki?) asked me if I was ready to wake up (I wasn't) and what did I want to drink?
Then, bless her heart, she brought me a Coke with pellet ice (I love that stuff) and I slurped THE SWEETEST DRINK KNOWN TO MAN! Then I asked for a refill (I'm still trying to decide if Nikki was a waitress or a nurse).
They brought Tad back, reviewed my results with me (Dr. M had already brought Tad up to speed), and as it turns out, they didn't find anything "of concern". Which is good, but I'm still workin' on that anemia thing....
If you're STILL reading (sorry...when I write this much stuff it's so I can remember details a year from now, or say, next week), I can't let opportunity pass without THANKING THOSE OF YOU who've commented to my recent posts or sent ecards/email. Your concern, encouragement, kindness, and mostly prayers gave me a sense of peace throughout the ordeal. I know you'll forgive me for not responding to every thought--I've been slightly occupied :). For a words of encouragement girl, though, I couldn't appreciate you more...thank you.