Got teens?

This is a compensated review from BlogHer and Sprint.

Ten years ago I was looking toward this season of my life with dread:  our children's teenager years.  I was told, then, that as toddlers they would step on my toes, but as they grew up, they'd trample my heart. 

So far, we've escaped that herd of buffalo wreaking havoc on heart and home.

We're far from perfect parents; they're far from perfect kids.  And though I know we have many years to go and we'll make more mistakes along the way, I believe a few wise choices have contributed to relatively smooth sailing so far:

• prayer! 
• demonstrative love {figure out what "speaks" love to them and use that language often!}
  
• taking a parenting course when they were young
• reinforcing desired behavior
  
• discipline/consequences when they made purposeful bad decisions (a distinction between childish thoughtlessness)
• seeking and listening to the counsel of others whose children were older
• avoiding comparing them to others (siblings or friends)
  
• encouraging open communication

That last one--encouraging open communication--becomes increasingly important as children approach their tween years and as crucial as oxygen when they hit mid teens.  But how do you do that as they get older, gain more independence and freedom, and seem to be on the go all...the...time...!?

I don't claim to know all the answers, but doesn't living it qualify me to offer a little encouragement and advice? :)  Some suggestions:

• Start early.  If you start trying to communicate with your daughter when she's 16, she'll probably look at you like you're crazy.
• Be intentional.  Open lines of communication do not happen by accident.  If you think about it when they're young, you'll develop a style that evolves naturally.
• Encourage dialogue.  The fastest way to lose your kids is to lecture them; no one likes a droning monologue.  Good communication involves a volley of communication, not an ace of your words slammed at them.
• Make time.  There's no such thing as "quality time" if you want your children to share their heart with you, to invite you into their lives.  And you really can't force this; you have to provide one-on-one opportunity (sometimes multiple opportunities!) for them to open up.  Some of my best, most insightful conversations took place in my garage!!  
• Set loose boundaries.  Huh?  What am I talking about?  Foster an atmosphere where you children can tell you anything--ANYTHING--as long as they do so respectfully.  Let them disagree with you; but require them to state their case.
• Don't react, and heaven forbid, don't OVER react.  This is one of those gems a parent told me when my kids were toddlers; at the time I remember thinking, "How can I not react if my kids tell me someone's sexually active or drinking or WHATEVER?!"  It's fine for your insides to be shocked to smithereens, but if you want your kids to tell you The Big Stuff next time, it's in your best interest to develop a poker face.

Okay, enough from me :).  I conducted a quick Twitter poll and here's advice offered from a few followers.  

 

Your turn:

Do you have additional pearls of wisdom to add?  What about sharing how you learned from a mistake?  Have a question?  Maybe someone will have helpful suggestions for you about maintaining open communication with your children.

All commenters to this post will be eligible for a $200 Visa gift card drawing (see fine print below) & be sure to check out how other BlogHer Reviewers keep lines of communication open with their growing kids - with 8 additional chances to win a $200 Visa gift card!

Find more info for keeping in touch with your kids here. 

To enter, leave me a comment below or if you've written a similar post, leave a link to it in comments.  The contest will begin at 9:00 a.m. (PST) August 10, 2009 and will end 5:00 p.m. (PST) September 4, 2009.  Make sure that the e-mail address you leave is correct. 

Rules:

• No duplicate comments.
• Receive an additional entry by linking on twitter and leaving a separate link in comments.
• Receive an additional entry by blogging about this contest and leaving a link in comments.
• This giveaway is open to US-residents, 18 and over.
• Winners will be selected via random draw, and will notified by e-mail.
• You have 48 hours to get back to me, otherwise a new winner will be selected.
• Please see the official rules here:  Official Rules

Comments

[Susan]

My oldest is 12 so no teens *yet*. I like to sit on my kids' beds with them briefly each night. That's the time they seem most likely to talk with me about what's important to them, and they also enjoy the individual attention.
Thank you for a generous giveaway!

[Rona]

We started when he was very younrtwo years by being there, being consistent in rules, routine and disipline and remembering that parenting is a fulltime job.

[Andrea]

My two are both under 7, so I've got a while, but know the teen years will be here before we know it!

To that end, my husband and I try very hard to make a habit of communicating as a family at every opportunity - around the dinner table, piled in our bed, or in the car.

We also are trying to teach them to really love Jesus Christ and to have compassion for others.

[BabyBloomr]

Learning and practicing the delicate dance of 'Hold on, let go.'
Accepting the fact that neither one of you will do it perfectly.
Making memories, preferably ones that include belly laughs at each other's expense.

[Deb]

The biggest piece of advice is to get to know their friends. This has meant a huge grocery bill for me, and not much peace at times, as I have two teenaged boys, and their friends frequent our house to play Xbox, surf, and hang out. It is so worth it, though, because I have a familiarity with more parts of my children's inner lives and choices than I would otherwise. It just means that "Pizza" is a line-item in our budget!

[Sweetie Berry]

As a blended family, creating time and activities that involved us all was priority when our children were teens...we enacted a family night, a night where one of the four was named "Chef" and came in with an invited friend an hour before dinner to prepare their "extravaganza" meal for the rest of us with much laud, laughter and honor...friends were always welcome, for the more we knew them, the more they knew us, the better it all went....those nights of many children round our table helped us to hear, see, and know sides of our children's lives we might not have heard by simply asking....the meals wer often simple, splashed up with special dessert or a fun hat, but what mattered was they were real, present, and part of our family...and we became family to many other teens who needed that too...and together we grew!

[Sandra]

When my kids were young, and when they were teens, I would call from work, "just saying Hi", of course they and I both knew I was checking on their well being.
Now they are grown, and they call me, to "just say Hi", and then we both laugh, knowing the tables are turned and they are checking on me.

[Jendeis]

An interesting post. I don't have kids yet, but I'd say the biggest thing I learned from my parents was that it is important to choose your battles. Argue about the things that are really important (curfew on school nights) and allow your teens to make their own minds up and their own choices about things that are less important (hairstyles).

[Angie]

My son just turned 13 a couple of weeks ago. I really learned from my parents how NOT to be to kids. They would yell and tell us not to do things, but not why. I never felt as though I could talk to my parents, and ended up doing things to spite them.

Luckily, I've learned from those mistakes. I'm a young mom still (I'm only 32 - my oldest is 15 - do the math) so they are always telling me how "cool" of a mom I am. But don't get it twisted. We have rules and they get punished if they do something wrong. But we also have a very open relationship and they know that they can come to me at any time.

And let me tell ya, the things I've heard! :-) (and I'm sure I haven't heard it all yet... not just yet!)

[Andrea]

I think it is important that there is a mutual respect between parents and children. You should be open to what their thoughts are but also be constantly guiding them in the right direction. Of course bringing them up in church and teaching biblical principles never hurts either, in my opinion.

[Andrea]

Tweeted!
http://twitter.com/simplyandreah/status/3277468179

[cathymccaughan]

I think that the craziest, but most effective parenting thing we've ever done was to have all the children in the room for the birth of our youngest child. Our oldest daughter was 12 at the time, but she STILL remembers vividly exactly how babies arrive into this world. Best. Birth. Control. Ever.

[Malia]

I don't have a teenager...yet. I'm just four very short years away from that reality. (I think my heart momentarily stopped by typing that sentence! Ack!) But I'm already seeing how that communication thing is going to be key. Of course, I feel like I've already completely screwed up but I'll press forward and try to keep the lines of communication open and stable and non-judgmental.

[Lizzie]

I'm already praying about the teenage years! Your poker face advice is good--I have to work on that.

My advice I learned the hard way is to not discipline your child because you are stressed out! :(

[Lizzie]

I tweeted:) http://twitter.com/adustyframe

[Jayne G]

I agree with your comments about making time. Your mention of talks in the garage make sense to me. The kitchen is the scene of the best communication in our home.

[claudia]

we do things together when my kids are in town , be honest with eachother,e-mail and call alot :)

thanks

[Sally]

I always made car time to and from school a time for talking. No radio, phones....just a chance to listen and interact with them.

[Kristi G]

We make it a priority to have a nice sit down dinner every night. No t.v., no cell phones. Just plain good family time.

[Elena]

I think texting is a great way to keep connected with my 11 year old. We're able to send quick messages back and forth, both important and silly! It also helps me not be a pest and bug her before she's ready to open up! Thanks for the contest!

[Linda Fish]

We leave comments for each other on Facebook. They open up more than in person

[Amanda Nix]

I have one that is one that is almost a teen and all I can do is pray and ask the Lord to guide me because most of the time I am soo lost. Thanks
Amanda

[Headless Mom]

I think I might add to my tweet that sometimes just saying "Hey, let's talk about this thing that's going on" can be just what the doctor ordered. Sometimes the most amazingly simple things can get a kid to open up.

[Pat Connors]

We always make sure to have a meal together, usually dinner, if not breakfast.

risanjax@metrocast.net

[Dawn]

Every night at dinner I put the focus on my daughter and have her tell me and hubby about her day or anything she is concerned about.